Prozac Nation

  I have been fighting the good fight since I was 2 yrs old. Yes you read that right I was diagnosed with infant depression at 2. I am 23, that means for 21yrs I have had to deal with this. I do have certain triggers, but for me, I have tried out running it the majority of my life. I normally do not talk to anyone about it, EVER.  I had really Bad issues as a teenager. I went through the cycle's of self destruction, then self-hating that I wasn't strong enough, to promising myself I WOULD be happy, to insecurities about everything. Eww I can feel myself getting disgusted just by talking about it now.

    I found running and that changed my life. It was a healthy outlet as well as the "runner's high" endorphins that make you happy. I was too tired to self destruct, but even with running, out of NO where,"depressive episodes" as I call them would come and kick me on my ass. I still can not fully explain to someone what it is like. It's the darkest place I have ever been. I hated everyone and everything. I felt isolated and ashamed for my own thought process, but I couldn't control it. I kept thinking what is WRONG with me, I have a good life why do I feel like this?!
   
   The next step of seeking medication is enough to push someone with depression over the edge. Going from doctor to doctor telling them the same thing, which you never wanted to tell anyone in the first place, is frustrating to say the least. I think I have tried 5 different anti-depressants? Effexor, zoloft, lexapro, paxil, different birth controls to help hormones, and finally prozac. The side effects of some of those are worse then your depression, one literally made me suicidal. Of course each medication takes 2 weeks to regulate hormones. It is a LONG and BRUTAL process finding the RIGHT medication for depression. All the while trying to pretend everything is fine and I am "normal." 

  With the move to Virginia, I consciously decided that I was NOT going to be on my medication. That I am an adult now and should be able to handle whatever life can throw at me. This means it has been roughly 10 months without anti-depressants. It has been a ROUGH 10 months. (to be continued)
 

That's the thing about depression: A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it's impossible to ever see the end.”
― Elizabeth Wurtzel, Prozac Nation