Happy Tuesday- NOT

 Most people make it through the day before they breakdown. I am the opposite. I can wake up in the morning and feel my emotions exploding from me. At that point I try a couple of activities to shake the mood
1.Starbucks- caffeine to distract me
2.Walking with Abby -the physical act of getting out of the house
3. Tanning-  relaxation and when I tan it is one of the only times I clear my mind for 12 glorious minutes
4. This morning I called my mom first thing- mom's always know best

It seemed this one was here to stay. This is the stage where I get frustrated. I am frustrated with myself for having these emotions for NO reason. I am frustrated that I woke up in this mood; a new day= new beginning-or so I thought. I can tell you how the rest of my day will go.

The frustration with myself will turn outwards and it will be frustration with Everything. I will be upset with traffic, with Abby, with David, with people's Facebook statuses there is no rhyme or reason to it. It turns into this negative circle, I can not escape.

After that the next stage is pure ANGER, all the frustration boils up and I get mean. I say things that I don't mean, I slam things, I go into tempter tantrum mode.

Next, during this fit of rage comes the breakdown! This is NO pretty sight. It involves crying, shaking, no breathing, sometimes I feel like I am having an anxiety attack within it.

Then after, I have broke down and have nothing left to fight off the depression it comes invading it. This is a main difference between Depression and "being depressed" With Depression- there is no apparent reason. There was No affair, you are not in financial ruins, someone has not passed away, it just so happens that the chemicals in your brain are F'ed up!

This is NOT how I planned on spending my Tuesday. I Hate talking about it. I guess in my mind talking about it breathes life into this "disorder" that I loathe with every fiber of my being.

I am sure many of you are asking why don't you go on medication- I will tell you why, I am a firm believer in wearing my emotions on my sleeve, (minus depression) When I was on antidepressants, it made me feel NOTHING, I was numb to everything. Dave could have told me he was shipping out tomorrow and I just would have looked at him and nodded. They change my personality. Why would I want that?! I wouldn't. Plus other side effects were making things worse. (to be continued) Well that will be my day.. Happy Tuesday everyone!