A little update

So I haven't paid much attention to my blog in about a week so I thought I should probably write a little update. Dave and I are trying to get into shape for our  "Color me Rad" run in about a month. I am so excited to do that run! It will be both our first times for that 5k. And it will also be the first time Dave and I run together in a timed race.I get pretty competitive so I am glad this is a fun one that will curb that drive!

In other news, WE ARE ADOPTING!!! Dave has been wanting another dog for... FOREVER. So I finally broke down and told him we could "LOOK" at the animal shelter. I should have known that we would end up with a new addition! lol Lida is a boxer mix. She is 1yr and 1 month and was abandoned. She is very timid when she first meets someone, but then is all LOVE. She will be the biggest dog I have ever had at 66lbs (I got her a PINK zebra print harness), so I am a little concerned about that.We will also be taking her to obedience school after she heals from surgery (I don't want to be THOSE parents)! I am sure my blog will turn into the adventures with us girls- Me, Abby, and Lida and our trips to Starbucks. I didn't get a pic of her yet and the animal shelter website doesn't have one of her up. But this is kinda what she looks like. We just can't wait until she is home with us! We pick her up on Monday!

What a Wicked Wednesday is Was

 I was extremely excited to go and see Wicked. It was my 3rd time seeing it! Also, it was nice to look forward to something during the week, instead of the weekend. Dave and I went out to eat before the show,(restaurant shall remain nameless) and off we went. As soon as we got there I was like a little kid!It's something about that musical that I just love! I was particularly emotional this time around. Or maybe I was just remembering the other times I went with friends and family. Any who we didn't even make it to the intermission before the "wicked" HIT!

Side note- I HATE public bathrooms, I have an irrational fear of them. And here I am in a dress and heels on all fours heaving over this toilet. It came out of no where! One moment I am singing "Popular" and the next, I have an EMT, YUP she was in the stall next to me, holding my hair. The first words out of my mouth were, " I hope I'm not pregnant" She probably thought I was crazy because then I started crying saying I needed my husband.

So after I composed as much of myself as possible, I reunited with Dave, who was thinking the same exact thought I had just had in the bathroom. We had to leave there was NO way around it. David was so good about the whole thing. On the drive home, we had to stop again! He literally gave me the shirt of his back so I could clean myself up. I kept apologizing the saying how sorry I was for ruining our evening. He jokingly said, that it made us "stronger"

It's just funny because I couldn't picture anyone else in that situation handling it better for me then the way Dave did. We say our vows, and it says for better or for worse, sickness and health, and NO this was not some life altering event, it just proves that he will always take care of me. Sometimes we think we want adventures and more excitement in our relationships, but when it comes down to it we want to be comfortable, and comforted when needed! I am just so lucky to have him!

P.S. He made me pee on a stick and we are NOT pregnant :)  For any of you wondering, just a little food poisoning.
P.P.S. We do want kids just not right now, and I promise I will write a WHOLE blog about that!

Happy Tuesday- NOT

 Most people make it through the day before they breakdown. I am the opposite. I can wake up in the morning and feel my emotions exploding from me. At that point I try a couple of activities to shake the mood
1.Starbucks- caffeine to distract me
2.Walking with Abby -the physical act of getting out of the house
3. Tanning-  relaxation and when I tan it is one of the only times I clear my mind for 12 glorious minutes
4. This morning I called my mom first thing- mom's always know best

It seemed this one was here to stay. This is the stage where I get frustrated. I am frustrated with myself for having these emotions for NO reason. I am frustrated that I woke up in this mood; a new day= new beginning-or so I thought. I can tell you how the rest of my day will go.

The frustration with myself will turn outwards and it will be frustration with Everything. I will be upset with traffic, with Abby, with David, with people's Facebook statuses there is no rhyme or reason to it. It turns into this negative circle, I can not escape.

After that the next stage is pure ANGER, all the frustration boils up and I get mean. I say things that I don't mean, I slam things, I go into tempter tantrum mode.

Next, during this fit of rage comes the breakdown! This is NO pretty sight. It involves crying, shaking, no breathing, sometimes I feel like I am having an anxiety attack within it.

Then after, I have broke down and have nothing left to fight off the depression it comes invading it. This is a main difference between Depression and "being depressed" With Depression- there is no apparent reason. There was No affair, you are not in financial ruins, someone has not passed away, it just so happens that the chemicals in your brain are F'ed up!

This is NOT how I planned on spending my Tuesday. I Hate talking about it. I guess in my mind talking about it breathes life into this "disorder" that I loathe with every fiber of my being.

I am sure many of you are asking why don't you go on medication- I will tell you why, I am a firm believer in wearing my emotions on my sleeve, (minus depression) When I was on antidepressants, it made me feel NOTHING, I was numb to everything. Dave could have told me he was shipping out tomorrow and I just would have looked at him and nodded. They change my personality. Why would I want that?! I wouldn't. Plus other side effects were making things worse. (to be continued) Well that will be my day.. Happy Tuesday everyone!

Letters

 I saw this on another blog, and loved the idea! Plus, I am too much of a scatterbrain to write another blog.

Dear Victoria Secret( Swim suit edition) 

  NO ONE looks like that in real life, but thanks for the sale on the beach cover ups, I bought one in coral :)

Dear Abby our dog,

   Thanks for letting us dress you up and paint your nails, since we don't have any kids yet BESIDES you

Dear Mechanical bull from Friday night,

   You may have won that round, but I'll be back!

Dear HBO,

  How am I supposed to watch season 2 of Game of Thrones? I can't wait another year until it comes out on DVD!

Dear Husband,

  Thanks for wearing a kilt on St. Patty's Day and providing numerous amounts of laughs! You make me giggle! Also, thank you for saying you liked my hair in this pic, I know you HATE the snooki puff!

Sisters are the Best

 If you have a sister you understand the "sister bond." If you don't, I will try my best to explain it. My younger sister's name is Jamie, she is a Wild child. We have had a difficult past, but we have always fought for one another. Long story short, was are birth sister's adopted into the SAME adopted family, by DIFFERENT people.(I usually use utensils at this point to show a visual) We have the same mom and dad by birth. Lord this is hard to do over a computer screen. My adopted parent's didn't have the license to adopt Jamie, since she had birth complications so, then my adopted aunt adopted her. This would make her my cousin by adoption!

   If you are still with me, Awesome! We have had different childhood's growing up. I will admit that. When you have a sister, it's like you have this person who understands everything about you! This can be both good and bad depending on your situation. Ex  Sister 1: "Were you out with so and so, who I don't approve of"  Sister 2 "Noooo?!" Sister1: "Why do you even bother lying." lol

So back to Jamie and I. She is the risk taker, the doesn't over analyze anything and Goes for it!  She has dyed her hair every color possible, Gotten numerous tattoo's and piercings. I don't think she knows this but I am jealous of that aspect of her personality. I am more of the pro and con list kind of girl. I dye my hair dirty blonde in winter and more blonde in summer. I have 2 tattoos on my feet which get covered everyday.

She calls herself Switzerland and me Germany. This is because I have no problem with face to face confrontation and Jamie would rather die. She takes the role of the calm sister to my emotional highs and lows. I think this might also have to do with me being older! I am so very very protective of her. She is my best friend and the one other person who knows everything about me. She has seen the good, the bad, the ugly, the depressed, and not only has seen it but has been there right next to me. We say we should have been twins, because we can just look at each other and KNOW exactly what the other is thinking.
 It's one of the hardest things being away from her. I call her and text her probably once a day (if not more). I stalk her on Facebook religiously. But what can I say that is my job, I'm the older sister. She is the one that has gotten me through the most. I love my little JayMe :)

Sunshine on my Window Makes me Happy, like I should be

 As promised, I said I would write something fun today! So these are a few of my favorite things:

Starbucks- Iced caramel coffee with half and half

Running

80's movies- any kind!

90's rap :)
playing Uno-yes the card game

traditional margaritas- No salt
a glass of moscato
Marvel comics-She Hulk is my Fav

Heels- the higher the better
Big sunglasses 

Sunny days

Eating ice cream OUT of the container

taking obnoxious pictures 

having jam outs in my car

embarrassing my husband in public places 

my dog Abby-Duh

shopping of any kind-except Grocery shopping 

Weddings-even though I cry at every one

adding pins to my pinterest board 

 Simple, short, and sweet: I am off to go enjoy the sunshine 

 

 

Double D- Deployment and Depression

 Since I started this blog ( a WHOLE couple of days ago) many people have reached out to me and said that, they had no idea, about my depression. Here's the thing, it was called a secret for a reason. I tried for many years to hide it. I tried for many years to outrun it. It seems both of those approaches are NOT working. Maybe if I go at it head on and talk about it, it might just get better.

 It's hard to admit, its like in our house we don't say the 2 D's- Deployment and Depression. It's almost like out of sight out of mind. Once again it doesn't work that way. 1. Depression is already a reality for me, and 2. Deployment will be a reality soon enough. The people who knew were basically the people I couldn't hide it from. I am sure looking back on it there are signs. Hindsight is always 20/20. But that's not me. I like the fact that people don't think of me as "Sara the girl with depression"  Depression has taken a lot from me over the years. It has taken my motivation, my rational thinking, my social interaction, my feelings. I don't want it to take my identity as well.

 Some people have also asked me about depression. If you think you have it, I would say go to a Doctor to find out for sure. This would also make me a hypocrite. My reasons for not going to the doctor, are my own.

Maybe in another blog I will tell the world about that! I will say that it takes courage to seek out answers to your questions. If you don't want to talk to a doctor, talk to someone you trust. Or talk to me. I have lived it, and studied it.

 But enough about depression for now! Tomorrow I will write about something fun. I just wanted to get some things off my chest. 

The straw that broke the blogger's bubble

 

 Trying to tell someone about your depression who has never had it, is hard. Trying to tell your male significant other with does not understand depression and never studied it, is HARDER.  Men by nature want to fix things:

the garbage disposal is broken, so he gets the tools to fix it

the drain is clogged, he buys the stuff to unclog it 

my car is acting up, he tinkers with it until it is back to normal

your wife is depressed. he ?!?!? in order to fix it 

 You can not FIX depression, you don't wake up in the morning and decide today you will be happy and tomorrow between 10-2 looks like a good time for a breakdown. It doesn't work that way. 

 So here is my story that led to the blog. All last week, I had pretty much been a wreck. I was dizzy all week, hadn't been sleeping, my appetite was off, exhaustion just all the time, breakout sweating in public places and migraines-those sucked. And yes my famous crying episodes over everything, anything, and nothing all together. That statement means I would wake up do some things around the house and suddenly be overwhelmed by the saddest and loneliest feeling and start crying over nothing. Or I would watch a movie and it was sad and that turned into hours of crying. A song came on that made me think of someone at home, crying. On my way to work, crying. The dizziness increased along with stomach pain and nausea. 

I can assure anyone reading this, I am in fact NOT pregnant that was the first test they ran on me. 

 So anyways, it was finally time to go to the doctor and find the cause of it. I swore that I had an ear infection or that I was anemic and that was causing my dizziness and stomach pain. I displaced the crying all together. They ran my blood, did an EKG (my blood pressure was very high), tested for thyroid, tested lord knows what else. Finally after a couple hours they came to tell me my diagnosis. All my tests were "NORMAL."  The next thing the doctor said, was "I don't know what is going on in your personal life, but these are symptoms of depression, it comes out in various ways." That's when I started crying, Listen lady, I could probably write that pamphlet about depression better then whoever did so DON'T even hand that to me. The one thing you want to be with depression is "NORMAL" here I am getting these results on my tests of normal and it's not what I want to hear. 

   Dave asked what was wrong? Did they find out what's making you feel like this, did they give you medicine? For a while in the car I just sat there taking it in, crying. "I feel like I have been fighting this fight forever (followed by some more crying, more like sobbing at this point)" He just looked at me and said, "I'll always fight on your side."

 

 

 

Prozac Nation

  I have been fighting the good fight since I was 2 yrs old. Yes you read that right I was diagnosed with infant depression at 2. I am 23, that means for 21yrs I have had to deal with this. I do have certain triggers, but for me, I have tried out running it the majority of my life. I normally do not talk to anyone about it, EVER.  I had really Bad issues as a teenager. I went through the cycle's of self destruction, then self-hating that I wasn't strong enough, to promising myself I WOULD be happy, to insecurities about everything. Eww I can feel myself getting disgusted just by talking about it now.

    I found running and that changed my life. It was a healthy outlet as well as the "runner's high" endorphins that make you happy. I was too tired to self destruct, but even with running, out of NO where,"depressive episodes" as I call them would come and kick me on my ass. I still can not fully explain to someone what it is like. It's the darkest place I have ever been. I hated everyone and everything. I felt isolated and ashamed for my own thought process, but I couldn't control it. I kept thinking what is WRONG with me, I have a good life why do I feel like this?!
   
   The next step of seeking medication is enough to push someone with depression over the edge. Going from doctor to doctor telling them the same thing, which you never wanted to tell anyone in the first place, is frustrating to say the least. I think I have tried 5 different anti-depressants? Effexor, zoloft, lexapro, paxil, different birth controls to help hormones, and finally prozac. The side effects of some of those are worse then your depression, one literally made me suicidal. Of course each medication takes 2 weeks to regulate hormones. It is a LONG and BRUTAL process finding the RIGHT medication for depression. All the while trying to pretend everything is fine and I am "normal." 

  With the move to Virginia, I consciously decided that I was NOT going to be on my medication. That I am an adult now and should be able to handle whatever life can throw at me. This means it has been roughly 10 months without anti-depressants. It has been a ROUGH 10 months. (to be continued)
 

That's the thing about depression: A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it's impossible to ever see the end.”
― Elizabeth Wurtzel, Prozac Nation

Navy Life

  Dave and I live in Norfolk Virginia now. He is an ATI (avionics electronics technician intermediate level). He works on radar and communications. Whatever, nerd stuff!  We jokingly say he is the brains and I am the beauty in our relationship. Just like every other sailor Dave went to boot camp at Great Lakes, he was in a push division and was only there 7 weeks, but that was long enough for me. While he was in boot camp, I was busy finishing my classes and working, and everything else in between.
   

 After boot camp Dave went straight to Pensacola FL (14hrs south) to his training. This was probably the hardest transition we had to go through up until this point. The insecurity that comes along with long distance relationships was enough for me. But I had school, FAMILY, FRIENDS, my SUPPORT system to help me. I also was on antidepressants for this part of our relationship. Dave's A-school was 8 months but to me it felt like forever. I took as many trips that I could afford, and my schedule allowed me.

  After his training in Fl, Dave was sent to Norfolk, which is his permanent duty station for the remainder of this contract. He is on shore duty, which means he is not assigned to any ships and will NOT be deploying this term around. I promise you the depression gods were looking out for me on that one! Last summer in June after I had finished college I moved in with Dave ( the adjusting to each others habits after being apart for a year and a half will come in it's own blog!).

  

Confession

    This is my first blog in a while. My last one was in high school. I am defiantly rusty. To start off with I will tell a little about myself. My name is Sara Redeagle (pronounced RED space EAGLE). My husband, Dave, and I have been together for 4 years now, almost married for a year and a half. The image I posted describes Dave. He is my complete opposite. My mother calls him "the calm to my storm", and my dad says he is the "ying to my yang."

     We are a  "pre-Navy" couple. He has only been in for 2 years, he claims he will be a "lifer." David was meant for the Navy, for me it has been a harsh adjustment, and we have had our trials and tribulations just like any other couple. The Navy sent us packing our bags for good old Norfolk Virginia (14 hrs away from our home). Another fun fact about us is we got married Oct 15th 2010, some people knew about it others did not. Our wedding ceremony was Dec 17th 2011 in front of about 200 people.

      I am a pretty comical person and have been convinced for years that there is an actual reality tv show of my life going on without my direct knowledge (examples will come later). Here is my big secret that is one of the main issues I hope to be writing about, I have clinical depression, and am currently not on any medication or seeing a doctor ( Yes I am aware of the dangers this can cause).  This is a huge issue for me and has recently sent me to the hospital with physical symptoms, migraines, fatigue, breakout sweats, crying fits,and high blood pressure @ 23years old!!

   For a first entry and a confession of my deep dark secret,  I feel like this is the start of a beautiful friendship!