"I'm okay, I'm just tired"

 If writing is my way of telling my story, I have not been doing a very good job lately! I have been very busy truthfully, but I have also been avoiding my blog. I have been up and down and all over the place. I recently started running again (consistently) and that seems to help. Here's the thing, I miss my REAL friends, my family, and my support system! I miss being able to be myself 100% without worrying about the consequences(whether it will turn up on some Navy wife website). I don't know when I became such a private person, but it's hard to open up to new people and trust them. I miss home A LOT! I miss who I was. I used to think that if I could be the best friend to everyone around me and help them find the answers to their problems, maybe I could find my own.

I always said if I could have an superpower it would be reading people's minds. I wonder if it's because I keep so much hidden from people.I wonder how many other people do the same. Sometimes I wish people would just look at me and automatically know what was wrong. I know that is an unrealistic wish, but hey a girl can dream. I wish someone would look behind all the sarcastic remarks I make (which are pretty funny) and just ask me, "What is wrong Sara" or "What are you so afraid of?" Maybe the act of someone reaching out to me instead of the other way around would help me find some comfort. I am just sick of telling the world I am "okay" or "fine" or my go to line is "tired!" Quite frankly, I am sick of all of those!

So this is my next step of opening up, of trying to tell "MY" story, trying to find my own strength and my own answers. Strength can be misleading though. And sometimes crying and showing all your raw emotions are strengths, where hiding them.covering them up, and dismissing them are weaknesses. I guess knowing when to open up and be vulnerable is an appealing trait... I also think I have some things to work on. I think this is good for now :)

A little update

So I haven't paid much attention to my blog in about a week so I thought I should probably write a little update. Dave and I are trying to get into shape for our  "Color me Rad" run in about a month. I am so excited to do that run! It will be both our first times for that 5k. And it will also be the first time Dave and I run together in a timed race.I get pretty competitive so I am glad this is a fun one that will curb that drive!

In other news, WE ARE ADOPTING!!! Dave has been wanting another dog for... FOREVER. So I finally broke down and told him we could "LOOK" at the animal shelter. I should have known that we would end up with a new addition! lol Lida is a boxer mix. She is 1yr and 1 month and was abandoned. She is very timid when she first meets someone, but then is all LOVE. She will be the biggest dog I have ever had at 66lbs (I got her a PINK zebra print harness), so I am a little concerned about that.We will also be taking her to obedience school after she heals from surgery (I don't want to be THOSE parents)! I am sure my blog will turn into the adventures with us girls- Me, Abby, and Lida and our trips to Starbucks. I didn't get a pic of her yet and the animal shelter website doesn't have one of her up. But this is kinda what she looks like. We just can't wait until she is home with us! We pick her up on Monday!

What a Wicked Wednesday is Was

 I was extremely excited to go and see Wicked. It was my 3rd time seeing it! Also, it was nice to look forward to something during the week, instead of the weekend. Dave and I went out to eat before the show,(restaurant shall remain nameless) and off we went. As soon as we got there I was like a little kid!It's something about that musical that I just love! I was particularly emotional this time around. Or maybe I was just remembering the other times I went with friends and family. Any who we didn't even make it to the intermission before the "wicked" HIT!

Side note- I HATE public bathrooms, I have an irrational fear of them. And here I am in a dress and heels on all fours heaving over this toilet. It came out of no where! One moment I am singing "Popular" and the next, I have an EMT, YUP she was in the stall next to me, holding my hair. The first words out of my mouth were, " I hope I'm not pregnant" She probably thought I was crazy because then I started crying saying I needed my husband.

So after I composed as much of myself as possible, I reunited with Dave, who was thinking the same exact thought I had just had in the bathroom. We had to leave there was NO way around it. David was so good about the whole thing. On the drive home, we had to stop again! He literally gave me the shirt of his back so I could clean myself up. I kept apologizing the saying how sorry I was for ruining our evening. He jokingly said, that it made us "stronger"

It's just funny because I couldn't picture anyone else in that situation handling it better for me then the way Dave did. We say our vows, and it says for better or for worse, sickness and health, and NO this was not some life altering event, it just proves that he will always take care of me. Sometimes we think we want adventures and more excitement in our relationships, but when it comes down to it we want to be comfortable, and comforted when needed! I am just so lucky to have him!

P.S. He made me pee on a stick and we are NOT pregnant :)  For any of you wondering, just a little food poisoning.
P.P.S. We do want kids just not right now, and I promise I will write a WHOLE blog about that!

Happy Tuesday- NOT

 Most people make it through the day before they breakdown. I am the opposite. I can wake up in the morning and feel my emotions exploding from me. At that point I try a couple of activities to shake the mood
1.Starbucks- caffeine to distract me
2.Walking with Abby -the physical act of getting out of the house
3. Tanning-  relaxation and when I tan it is one of the only times I clear my mind for 12 glorious minutes
4. This morning I called my mom first thing- mom's always know best

It seemed this one was here to stay. This is the stage where I get frustrated. I am frustrated with myself for having these emotions for NO reason. I am frustrated that I woke up in this mood; a new day= new beginning-or so I thought. I can tell you how the rest of my day will go.

The frustration with myself will turn outwards and it will be frustration with Everything. I will be upset with traffic, with Abby, with David, with people's Facebook statuses there is no rhyme or reason to it. It turns into this negative circle, I can not escape.

After that the next stage is pure ANGER, all the frustration boils up and I get mean. I say things that I don't mean, I slam things, I go into tempter tantrum mode.

Next, during this fit of rage comes the breakdown! This is NO pretty sight. It involves crying, shaking, no breathing, sometimes I feel like I am having an anxiety attack within it.

Then after, I have broke down and have nothing left to fight off the depression it comes invading it. This is a main difference between Depression and "being depressed" With Depression- there is no apparent reason. There was No affair, you are not in financial ruins, someone has not passed away, it just so happens that the chemicals in your brain are F'ed up!

This is NOT how I planned on spending my Tuesday. I Hate talking about it. I guess in my mind talking about it breathes life into this "disorder" that I loathe with every fiber of my being.

I am sure many of you are asking why don't you go on medication- I will tell you why, I am a firm believer in wearing my emotions on my sleeve, (minus depression) When I was on antidepressants, it made me feel NOTHING, I was numb to everything. Dave could have told me he was shipping out tomorrow and I just would have looked at him and nodded. They change my personality. Why would I want that?! I wouldn't. Plus other side effects were making things worse. (to be continued) Well that will be my day.. Happy Tuesday everyone!

Letters

 I saw this on another blog, and loved the idea! Plus, I am too much of a scatterbrain to write another blog.

Dear Victoria Secret( Swim suit edition) 

  NO ONE looks like that in real life, but thanks for the sale on the beach cover ups, I bought one in coral :)

Dear Abby our dog,

   Thanks for letting us dress you up and paint your nails, since we don't have any kids yet BESIDES you

Dear Mechanical bull from Friday night,

   You may have won that round, but I'll be back!

Dear HBO,

  How am I supposed to watch season 2 of Game of Thrones? I can't wait another year until it comes out on DVD!

Dear Husband,

  Thanks for wearing a kilt on St. Patty's Day and providing numerous amounts of laughs! You make me giggle! Also, thank you for saying you liked my hair in this pic, I know you HATE the snooki puff!

Sisters are the Best

 If you have a sister you understand the "sister bond." If you don't, I will try my best to explain it. My younger sister's name is Jamie, she is a Wild child. We have had a difficult past, but we have always fought for one another. Long story short, was are birth sister's adopted into the SAME adopted family, by DIFFERENT people.(I usually use utensils at this point to show a visual) We have the same mom and dad by birth. Lord this is hard to do over a computer screen. My adopted parent's didn't have the license to adopt Jamie, since she had birth complications so, then my adopted aunt adopted her. This would make her my cousin by adoption!

   If you are still with me, Awesome! We have had different childhood's growing up. I will admit that. When you have a sister, it's like you have this person who understands everything about you! This can be both good and bad depending on your situation. Ex  Sister 1: "Were you out with so and so, who I don't approve of"  Sister 2 "Noooo?!" Sister1: "Why do you even bother lying." lol

So back to Jamie and I. She is the risk taker, the doesn't over analyze anything and Goes for it!  She has dyed her hair every color possible, Gotten numerous tattoo's and piercings. I don't think she knows this but I am jealous of that aspect of her personality. I am more of the pro and con list kind of girl. I dye my hair dirty blonde in winter and more blonde in summer. I have 2 tattoos on my feet which get covered everyday.

She calls herself Switzerland and me Germany. This is because I have no problem with face to face confrontation and Jamie would rather die. She takes the role of the calm sister to my emotional highs and lows. I think this might also have to do with me being older! I am so very very protective of her. She is my best friend and the one other person who knows everything about me. She has seen the good, the bad, the ugly, the depressed, and not only has seen it but has been there right next to me. We say we should have been twins, because we can just look at each other and KNOW exactly what the other is thinking.
 It's one of the hardest things being away from her. I call her and text her probably once a day (if not more). I stalk her on Facebook religiously. But what can I say that is my job, I'm the older sister. She is the one that has gotten me through the most. I love my little JayMe :)

Sunshine on my Window Makes me Happy, like I should be

 As promised, I said I would write something fun today! So these are a few of my favorite things:

Starbucks- Iced caramel coffee with half and half

Running

80's movies- any kind!

90's rap :)
playing Uno-yes the card game

traditional margaritas- No salt
a glass of moscato
Marvel comics-She Hulk is my Fav

Heels- the higher the better
Big sunglasses 

Sunny days

Eating ice cream OUT of the container

taking obnoxious pictures 

having jam outs in my car

embarrassing my husband in public places 

my dog Abby-Duh

shopping of any kind-except Grocery shopping 

Weddings-even though I cry at every one

adding pins to my pinterest board 

 Simple, short, and sweet: I am off to go enjoy the sunshine