This too shall pass

     I had my first deployment breakdown today. I sat on my front steps and just cried with my face in my hands staring at your stupid car while our daughter was napping. I'm not quite sure where it came from, I just broke. I was angry for so many minor things, I was jealous of other wives getting emails, other friends having their husbands home, mothers who did not have to say "no baby dada isn't coming home for a while." It finally hit me.. this is our life right now.

 

 I always forget how long it takes to readjust since our life is always constantly changing.. gone 2 weeks home 2 weeks.That's how I feel like our life has been the past year; it's pretty close. It's when the end isn't in sight that gets you. When your countdown app is less than 10% and you think "dear god I'm not going to make it" When time stands still while you pray for it to sped up 

    Then I remind myself of each time you have left. Boot camp seems like ages ago, and in ways it is. We were just kids then, having no idea what our future was going to be. I think about every time we have said our "see you laters" and "I'll be here waiting" I get so mad thinking about all the things we have missed as a couple, you are missing as a dad, Scarlett is going to miss. But then I remember the nights we are truly happy and excited to stay in and watch cartoons, take family walks, and how appreciative I am to get an email every once in a while (cough cough).Our home is filled with love and strength. I have to keep reminding myself we have done this before, we can do this again. 

What I learned my first year of Motherhood.

 I can't believe we are rapidly approaching our first year of your life! Where has the time gone. I have learned more in this year than I feel like the rest of my years combined.

What I have learned my first year of motherhood;

       I have learned that you will say things to your partner that you wouldn't say to your worst enemy in those first few weeks of sleepless chaos, I have learned that you can not die from exhaustion, even though you think you will. I know what its like to cry in the shower because you feel like you are failing, I know that showers are luxuries, a want not a need in the beginning. I also know how to shower in less than 3 mins!
       I have learned to clean the house with a one hand because I have a baby on the hip with the other, I have learned that the dishes can in fact wait for tomorrow. I have learned that mommy wars are alive and well. I know what its like to get looks of disapproval from complete strangers because my child isn't wearing her socks or shoes (1st of all its like 60 outside and 2nd you try). I have learned EVERYONE has an opinion, you have to let that one go! I have learned what its like to feel completely on my own with no village to help.
       I have learned that it does get "easier with time." That all those moms before you, who kept telling you that, (who you thought were lying) were telling the truth. I have learned that you do find a routine and all those moms you looked up to in awe, a new mom is looking at you with that same envy.
    I have learned to ask for help and cherish those few and far between breaks I get every once in a while. But I have also learned to cherish you. I have learned to put down the phone and chase you around the living room. That empty cardboard boxes and tupperware are the best toys. I have learned what its like to fall in love with my partner in a whole new way. I have learned that we are in this together and they have bad days too. I have learned what its like to find my village even if they are 14 hours away (and a few exceptions in the area). I have learned that even on the absolute worst days we are truly blessed.

      I have learned that pure happiness comes in the smallest forms and triumphs; getting the first perfect latch, getting more than an hour of sleep at a time, watching your first roll over, being there for your first steps. seeing your face light up when "dada" comes home, FINALLY getting you in a pair of shoes. Sometimes it is as small as making it through the day. These are the things that matter. I have learned that I am a good mom, "a normal mom with bad days!"

I can not wait to see what else we teach each other in the future! I'm ready for this years adventure.. Well as ready as I can be!