Deployment is Coming

 Life turns into this stop watch, where days pass like seconds and you wish you could push the button and make it stop. You try not to count the days, but you always have the number in the back of your mind. First it's a month left, then weeks, then single digits days, and then hours. You can drive yourself crazy by doing that. I know, I have. And I'm pretty good at math.. times like this I wish I wasn't.

 You promise things are going to be "normal" until he leaves but the thing is.. things are no longer normal. You feel guilty for the fight over household chores. You get angry too easily that he forgot to take the trash out but that's not the real issue bothering you. You get jealous when he hangs out with the guys once a week, which he has been doing ALL along, but now time is precious and you want it all to be yours. The whole time wondering "What am I going to do when he's gone?!" Because you literally have no idea how you are going to react and that is one of your biggest fears.

You know deployment is coming you have known all along its just that now it's knocking at your door. So you do what you have to do. You take it one day at at time, and if you can't do that you take it one hour and a time, and if you can't do that "Inhale, exhale" you take it one breath at a time. Because deployment may be coming BUT it's not here quite yet!

Homesickness

homesick [ˈhəʊmˌsɪk]

adj

depressed or melancholy at being away from home and family

homesickness  

I know this issue has to affect more individuals besides myself.  I don't know if it is worse when I don't go home for a while or right after I get back from being home. To be honest, I hate Virginia- and I think it hates me back. lol I don't feel like I ever really fit in here, and that takes it toll on me as well as my relationship. I miss "home" everyday. I know people say home is where the heart is but it always seems like my heart is torn. 

  

When I am home surrounded by family and friends, I miss David and my puppies, when I am in Virginia with Dave, I miss family and friends. I know life is a balancing act and always changing and we have to react to our current situations, but that's where I am having trouble. I don't know, maybe one day I will have it all.. but that day is not today, and it looks like I will have to start readjusting just like before... I just wish there was a fast forward button for that!

 

“homesickness is just a state of mind for me. I'm always missing someone or someplace or something, I'm always trying to get back to some imaginary somewhere. my life has been one long longing.”
― Elizabeth Wurtzel, Prozac Nation

I'm a cool kid now!

 Life is good!

 Here's what's been going on with me. I finally upgraded to an Iphone, I'm a cool kid now lol Crazy right?! It's pretty much addicting and Dave and I play Draw Something and Scramble with friends ALL day with each other! Also, I am not very good at using it and I accidentally try face timing with people, or randomly put it on speaker phone when I am talking to my mom, or answer and don't know that I did, or mute it and scream into the phone lol. Basically just some things to add some comic relief to my life.

The dogs are actually starting to play with one another- which is even more crazy than me FINALLY getting a smartphone. Lida hasn't chewed anything up she hasn't supposed too, other than the eye balls off my pig slippers (that can be her 1 freebee)  See evidence 1- Guilty on all counts

And oh yes I got a new tattoo! It turned out better then I imagined (the only down side is the guy told me I can't run for 2 weeks- 2weeks REALLY?!) There is really is NO underlying significance to the tattoo. It is 8 black birds flying. We choose 8 because it looked good on the layout of my foot (it's not my lucky #). When we went to look at tattoos I just knew that, that was what I wanted!  After I got it I ran across the poem below. My favorite is stanza is 12 interpret however you like. Happy Wednesday!

13 Ways of Looking at a Blackbird

I
Among twenty snowy mountains,
The only moving thing
Was the eye of the blackbird.

II
I was of three minds,
Like a tree
In which there are three blackbirds.

III
The blackbird whirled in the autumn winds.
It was a small part of the pantomime.

IV
A man and a woman
Are one.
A man and a woman and a blackbird
Are one.

V
I do not know which to prefer,
The beauty of inflections
Or the beauty of innuendoes,
The blackbird whistling
Or just after.

VI
Icicles filled the long window
With barbaric glass.
The shadow of the blackbird
Crossed it, to and fro.
The mood
Traced in the shadow
An indecipherable cause.

VII
O thin men of Haddam,
Why do you imagine golden birds?
Do you not see how the blackbird
Walks around the feet
Of the women about you?

VIII
I know noble accents
And lucid, inescapable rhythms;
But I know, too,
That the blackbird is involved
In what I know.

IX
When the blackbird flew out of sight,
It marked the edge
Of one of many circles.

X
At the sight of blackbirds
Flying in a green light,
Even the bawds of euphony
Would cry out sharply.

XI
He rode over Connecticut
In a glass coach.
Once, a fear pierced him,
In that he mistook
The shadow of his equipage
For blackbirds.

XII
The river is moving.
The blackbird must be flying.

XIII
It was evening all afternoon.
It was snowing
And it was going to snow.
The blackbird sat
In the cedar-limbs.

"I'm okay, I'm just tired"

 If writing is my way of telling my story, I have not been doing a very good job lately! I have been very busy truthfully, but I have also been avoiding my blog. I have been up and down and all over the place. I recently started running again (consistently) and that seems to help. Here's the thing, I miss my REAL friends, my family, and my support system! I miss being able to be myself 100% without worrying about the consequences(whether it will turn up on some Navy wife website). I don't know when I became such a private person, but it's hard to open up to new people and trust them. I miss home A LOT! I miss who I was. I used to think that if I could be the best friend to everyone around me and help them find the answers to their problems, maybe I could find my own.

I always said if I could have an superpower it would be reading people's minds. I wonder if it's because I keep so much hidden from people.I wonder how many other people do the same. Sometimes I wish people would just look at me and automatically know what was wrong. I know that is an unrealistic wish, but hey a girl can dream. I wish someone would look behind all the sarcastic remarks I make (which are pretty funny) and just ask me, "What is wrong Sara" or "What are you so afraid of?" Maybe the act of someone reaching out to me instead of the other way around would help me find some comfort. I am just sick of telling the world I am "okay" or "fine" or my go to line is "tired!" Quite frankly, I am sick of all of those!

So this is my next step of opening up, of trying to tell "MY" story, trying to find my own strength and my own answers. Strength can be misleading though. And sometimes crying and showing all your raw emotions are strengths, where hiding them.covering them up, and dismissing them are weaknesses. I guess knowing when to open up and be vulnerable is an appealing trait... I also think I have some things to work on. I think this is good for now :)

A little update

So I haven't paid much attention to my blog in about a week so I thought I should probably write a little update. Dave and I are trying to get into shape for our  "Color me Rad" run in about a month. I am so excited to do that run! It will be both our first times for that 5k. And it will also be the first time Dave and I run together in a timed race.I get pretty competitive so I am glad this is a fun one that will curb that drive!

In other news, WE ARE ADOPTING!!! Dave has been wanting another dog for... FOREVER. So I finally broke down and told him we could "LOOK" at the animal shelter. I should have known that we would end up with a new addition! lol Lida is a boxer mix. She is 1yr and 1 month and was abandoned. She is very timid when she first meets someone, but then is all LOVE. She will be the biggest dog I have ever had at 66lbs (I got her a PINK zebra print harness), so I am a little concerned about that.We will also be taking her to obedience school after she heals from surgery (I don't want to be THOSE parents)! I am sure my blog will turn into the adventures with us girls- Me, Abby, and Lida and our trips to Starbucks. I didn't get a pic of her yet and the animal shelter website doesn't have one of her up. But this is kinda what she looks like. We just can't wait until she is home with us! We pick her up on Monday!

What a Wicked Wednesday is Was

 I was extremely excited to go and see Wicked. It was my 3rd time seeing it! Also, it was nice to look forward to something during the week, instead of the weekend. Dave and I went out to eat before the show,(restaurant shall remain nameless) and off we went. As soon as we got there I was like a little kid!It's something about that musical that I just love! I was particularly emotional this time around. Or maybe I was just remembering the other times I went with friends and family. Any who we didn't even make it to the intermission before the "wicked" HIT!

Side note- I HATE public bathrooms, I have an irrational fear of them. And here I am in a dress and heels on all fours heaving over this toilet. It came out of no where! One moment I am singing "Popular" and the next, I have an EMT, YUP she was in the stall next to me, holding my hair. The first words out of my mouth were, " I hope I'm not pregnant" She probably thought I was crazy because then I started crying saying I needed my husband.

So after I composed as much of myself as possible, I reunited with Dave, who was thinking the same exact thought I had just had in the bathroom. We had to leave there was NO way around it. David was so good about the whole thing. On the drive home, we had to stop again! He literally gave me the shirt of his back so I could clean myself up. I kept apologizing the saying how sorry I was for ruining our evening. He jokingly said, that it made us "stronger"

It's just funny because I couldn't picture anyone else in that situation handling it better for me then the way Dave did. We say our vows, and it says for better or for worse, sickness and health, and NO this was not some life altering event, it just proves that he will always take care of me. Sometimes we think we want adventures and more excitement in our relationships, but when it comes down to it we want to be comfortable, and comforted when needed! I am just so lucky to have him!

P.S. He made me pee on a stick and we are NOT pregnant :)  For any of you wondering, just a little food poisoning.
P.P.S. We do want kids just not right now, and I promise I will write a WHOLE blog about that!

Happy Tuesday- NOT

 Most people make it through the day before they breakdown. I am the opposite. I can wake up in the morning and feel my emotions exploding from me. At that point I try a couple of activities to shake the mood
1.Starbucks- caffeine to distract me
2.Walking with Abby -the physical act of getting out of the house
3. Tanning-  relaxation and when I tan it is one of the only times I clear my mind for 12 glorious minutes
4. This morning I called my mom first thing- mom's always know best

It seemed this one was here to stay. This is the stage where I get frustrated. I am frustrated with myself for having these emotions for NO reason. I am frustrated that I woke up in this mood; a new day= new beginning-or so I thought. I can tell you how the rest of my day will go.

The frustration with myself will turn outwards and it will be frustration with Everything. I will be upset with traffic, with Abby, with David, with people's Facebook statuses there is no rhyme or reason to it. It turns into this negative circle, I can not escape.

After that the next stage is pure ANGER, all the frustration boils up and I get mean. I say things that I don't mean, I slam things, I go into tempter tantrum mode.

Next, during this fit of rage comes the breakdown! This is NO pretty sight. It involves crying, shaking, no breathing, sometimes I feel like I am having an anxiety attack within it.

Then after, I have broke down and have nothing left to fight off the depression it comes invading it. This is a main difference between Depression and "being depressed" With Depression- there is no apparent reason. There was No affair, you are not in financial ruins, someone has not passed away, it just so happens that the chemicals in your brain are F'ed up!

This is NOT how I planned on spending my Tuesday. I Hate talking about it. I guess in my mind talking about it breathes life into this "disorder" that I loathe with every fiber of my being.

I am sure many of you are asking why don't you go on medication- I will tell you why, I am a firm believer in wearing my emotions on my sleeve, (minus depression) When I was on antidepressants, it made me feel NOTHING, I was numb to everything. Dave could have told me he was shipping out tomorrow and I just would have looked at him and nodded. They change my personality. Why would I want that?! I wouldn't. Plus other side effects were making things worse. (to be continued) Well that will be my day.. Happy Tuesday everyone!