This too shall pass

     I had my first deployment breakdown today. I sat on my front steps and just cried with my face in my hands staring at your stupid car while our daughter was napping. I'm not quite sure where it came from, I just broke. I was angry for so many minor things, I was jealous of other wives getting emails, other friends having their husbands home, mothers who did not have to say "no baby dada isn't coming home for a while." It finally hit me.. this is our life right now.

 

 I always forget how long it takes to readjust since our life is always constantly changing.. gone 2 weeks home 2 weeks.That's how I feel like our life has been the past year; it's pretty close. It's when the end isn't in sight that gets you. When your countdown app is less than 10% and you think "dear god I'm not going to make it" When time stands still while you pray for it to sped up 

    Then I remind myself of each time you have left. Boot camp seems like ages ago, and in ways it is. We were just kids then, having no idea what our future was going to be. I think about every time we have said our "see you laters" and "I'll be here waiting" I get so mad thinking about all the things we have missed as a couple, you are missing as a dad, Scarlett is going to miss. But then I remember the nights we are truly happy and excited to stay in and watch cartoons, take family walks, and how appreciative I am to get an email every once in a while (cough cough).Our home is filled with love and strength. I have to keep reminding myself we have done this before, we can do this again. 

What I learned my first year of Motherhood.

 I can't believe we are rapidly approaching our first year of your life! Where has the time gone. I have learned more in this year than I feel like the rest of my years combined.

What I have learned my first year of motherhood;

       I have learned that you will say things to your partner that you wouldn't say to your worst enemy in those first few weeks of sleepless chaos, I have learned that you can not die from exhaustion, even though you think you will. I know what its like to cry in the shower because you feel like you are failing, I know that showers are luxuries, a want not a need in the beginning. I also know how to shower in less than 3 mins!
       I have learned to clean the house with a one hand because I have a baby on the hip with the other, I have learned that the dishes can in fact wait for tomorrow. I have learned that mommy wars are alive and well. I know what its like to get looks of disapproval from complete strangers because my child isn't wearing her socks or shoes (1st of all its like 60 outside and 2nd you try). I have learned EVERYONE has an opinion, you have to let that one go! I have learned what its like to feel completely on my own with no village to help.
       I have learned that it does get "easier with time." That all those moms before you, who kept telling you that, (who you thought were lying) were telling the truth. I have learned that you do find a routine and all those moms you looked up to in awe, a new mom is looking at you with that same envy.
    I have learned to ask for help and cherish those few and far between breaks I get every once in a while. But I have also learned to cherish you. I have learned to put down the phone and chase you around the living room. That empty cardboard boxes and tupperware are the best toys. I have learned what its like to fall in love with my partner in a whole new way. I have learned that we are in this together and they have bad days too. I have learned what its like to find my village even if they are 14 hours away (and a few exceptions in the area). I have learned that even on the absolute worst days we are truly blessed.

      I have learned that pure happiness comes in the smallest forms and triumphs; getting the first perfect latch, getting more than an hour of sleep at a time, watching your first roll over, being there for your first steps. seeing your face light up when "dada" comes home, FINALLY getting you in a pair of shoes. Sometimes it is as small as making it through the day. These are the things that matter. I have learned that I am a good mom, "a normal mom with bad days!"

I can not wait to see what else we teach each other in the future! I'm ready for this years adventure.. Well as ready as I can be!

Year Recap

     Since a certain photo company screwed up our Christmas cards I figured I could reach the masses this way. We have had a blessed and quick year. I remember as a child waiting FOREVER for Christmas to come back around and now as an adult, I turn around and there it is again.
   Obviously, our biggest news. Miss Scarlett Jean was brought into the world on March 22nd 2014 at 11:31 am . She came into the world kicking and screaming measuring at 8lbs 11oz and 20.5inches long. Not much has changed. She is a go go go baby!
 In April, Dave got a promotion He is AT2 (sexy) lol! It was well deserved and I couldn't be more proud of him. Scarlett and I have been on numerous trips home (Crown Point) with many stops in between. So many people have gotten to meet her and that makes me so happy, because she has this ability to bring out the best in everyone.

We went on a family vacation to New Bern North Carolina, Grandpa, grandma, and auntie Sarah braved the trip with us. We got to experience so many new things with Scarlett (sailing, blueberry picking, pool time). I was grateful for the help and company. With David's ship schedule and different training schedules he is here and gone out to sea way too often to keep track of. I was worried about Scarlett's right foot which used to be at a 90' angle but has since corrected itself quite nicely (after I INSISTED on 2 referrals to orthopedics)

  David and I have survived and enjoyed our first year of parenting. Experiencing all the firsts with your child is something so exciting that you can't quite describe. 

The other love of my life came into the world September 29th. Mr Jayce Alexander, my nephew. Jamie and Jeremy did an amazing job! I was fortunate enough to make it home on a trip to meet him. He loves me and I am his favorite! 

   The end of this year has been full speed ahead, We are currently keeping a 3rd dog for a sailor while they find housing, Gus bus is full of energy and adds to our daily humorous life. We are in the finally stages of closing on our FIRST home (Jan 2nd is closing day). David just got trained in a new position. His words "SE Asset Manager- Maintains support equiptment for the aviation shops aboard the Kearsarge"  

Births of 2014:

Jayce Alexander (Jamie Sergent- mom)

Dallas David (Paulina Hasty- mom)

Archie Taylor (Sarah Heaton Gilfoy- mom)

Brody Michael (Lindsay boo Besse mom)

Engagements;

Katee Lira (whoop whoop, I call flower girl for Scarlett) 

We have had a blessed year and have so much to be thankful for. We hope next year is just as great!! 

To my Scarlett

Dear Scarlett,
  We have come a long way. Since birth you have been on the move and on a mission only you know about. We do our best to keep up and one step ahead but sometimes we fail. Motherhood was an awkward adjustment for me. With a post partum diagnosis it was "difficult" to say the least. The word "failure" comes to mind when I reach back into the memories of those newborn days and nights that blurred together.

 I wanted to write down some of our journey as I see friends and family stepping into motherhood gracefully and beautifully as I stumbled and tripped along the way. I can't help but feel a punch of jealousy. Did anyone else struggle too? But I remember being so ashamed having to admit my situation. It took much longer to get help than it should have. I figure there may be a few more silent sufferers out there. 

Scarlett you are my best friend and my drive to be a better role model, mother, and woman. I'm so glad I'm feeling better and have you to thank for it. You are my smile everyday and I am so thankful we are on this journey of life together. 

Deployment is Coming

 Life turns into this stop watch, where days pass like seconds and you wish you could push the button and make it stop. You try not to count the days, but you always have the number in the back of your mind. First it's a month left, then weeks, then single digits days, and then hours. You can drive yourself crazy by doing that. I know, I have. And I'm pretty good at math.. times like this I wish I wasn't.

 You promise things are going to be "normal" until he leaves but the thing is.. things are no longer normal. You feel guilty for the fight over household chores. You get angry too easily that he forgot to take the trash out but that's not the real issue bothering you. You get jealous when he hangs out with the guys once a week, which he has been doing ALL along, but now time is precious and you want it all to be yours. The whole time wondering "What am I going to do when he's gone?!" Because you literally have no idea how you are going to react and that is one of your biggest fears.

You know deployment is coming you have known all along its just that now it's knocking at your door. So you do what you have to do. You take it one day at at time, and if you can't do that you take it one hour and a time, and if you can't do that "Inhale, exhale" you take it one breath at a time. Because deployment may be coming BUT it's not here quite yet!

Homesickness

homesick [ˈhəʊmˌsɪk]

adj

depressed or melancholy at being away from home and family

homesickness  

I know this issue has to affect more individuals besides myself.  I don't know if it is worse when I don't go home for a while or right after I get back from being home. To be honest, I hate Virginia- and I think it hates me back. lol I don't feel like I ever really fit in here, and that takes it toll on me as well as my relationship. I miss "home" everyday. I know people say home is where the heart is but it always seems like my heart is torn. 

  

When I am home surrounded by family and friends, I miss David and my puppies, when I am in Virginia with Dave, I miss family and friends. I know life is a balancing act and always changing and we have to react to our current situations, but that's where I am having trouble. I don't know, maybe one day I will have it all.. but that day is not today, and it looks like I will have to start readjusting just like before... I just wish there was a fast forward button for that!

 

“homesickness is just a state of mind for me. I'm always missing someone or someplace or something, I'm always trying to get back to some imaginary somewhere. my life has been one long longing.”
― Elizabeth Wurtzel, Prozac Nation

I'm a cool kid now!

 Life is good!

 Here's what's been going on with me. I finally upgraded to an Iphone, I'm a cool kid now lol Crazy right?! It's pretty much addicting and Dave and I play Draw Something and Scramble with friends ALL day with each other! Also, I am not very good at using it and I accidentally try face timing with people, or randomly put it on speaker phone when I am talking to my mom, or answer and don't know that I did, or mute it and scream into the phone lol. Basically just some things to add some comic relief to my life.

The dogs are actually starting to play with one another- which is even more crazy than me FINALLY getting a smartphone. Lida hasn't chewed anything up she hasn't supposed too, other than the eye balls off my pig slippers (that can be her 1 freebee)  See evidence 1- Guilty on all counts

And oh yes I got a new tattoo! It turned out better then I imagined (the only down side is the guy told me I can't run for 2 weeks- 2weeks REALLY?!) There is really is NO underlying significance to the tattoo. It is 8 black birds flying. We choose 8 because it looked good on the layout of my foot (it's not my lucky #). When we went to look at tattoos I just knew that, that was what I wanted!  After I got it I ran across the poem below. My favorite is stanza is 12 interpret however you like. Happy Wednesday!

13 Ways of Looking at a Blackbird

I
Among twenty snowy mountains,
The only moving thing
Was the eye of the blackbird.

II
I was of three minds,
Like a tree
In which there are three blackbirds.

III
The blackbird whirled in the autumn winds.
It was a small part of the pantomime.

IV
A man and a woman
Are one.
A man and a woman and a blackbird
Are one.

V
I do not know which to prefer,
The beauty of inflections
Or the beauty of innuendoes,
The blackbird whistling
Or just after.

VI
Icicles filled the long window
With barbaric glass.
The shadow of the blackbird
Crossed it, to and fro.
The mood
Traced in the shadow
An indecipherable cause.

VII
O thin men of Haddam,
Why do you imagine golden birds?
Do you not see how the blackbird
Walks around the feet
Of the women about you?

VIII
I know noble accents
And lucid, inescapable rhythms;
But I know, too,
That the blackbird is involved
In what I know.

IX
When the blackbird flew out of sight,
It marked the edge
Of one of many circles.

X
At the sight of blackbirds
Flying in a green light,
Even the bawds of euphony
Would cry out sharply.

XI
He rode over Connecticut
In a glass coach.
Once, a fear pierced him,
In that he mistook
The shadow of his equipage
For blackbirds.

XII
The river is moving.
The blackbird must be flying.

XIII
It was evening all afternoon.
It was snowing
And it was going to snow.
The blackbird sat
In the cedar-limbs.